I hesitate to make a list of “Top Ten Bad Movies” because I fear commitment. No sooner would I post a list then I would think of another awful film and have regrets. So let’s just start with a few, shall we, and I’ll add them as my memory serves me.
Bad movies are best when you run across them flipping channels. Do not attempt to rent and watch a bad movie from start to finish.
Number One All Time Favorite Bad Movie: Commando
Demonstrating my inability to commit to my fear of commitment I do have an unequivocal number one.
Reasons I love it: Single Dad kills everybody to save his daughter. Arnie’s arms like tree trunks. Brave little Alyssa Milano spitting at a bad guy. Shopping at the weapons store with the hilariously well stocked vault. Rae Dawn Chong launching a LAW. Twice. Arnie in a swimsuit. Arnie painting himself with camouflage sticks. Machine gunning the heads off roses.
Arnold: Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last? I lied.
Rae Dawn Chong: These guys eat too much red meat.
Other Favorite Bad Movies in No Particular Order
Zorro the Gay Blade
Reasons it’s Fabulous: Zorro has a gay identical brother. Named Bunny. Outrageous Spanish accents. Lauren Hutton’s acting range from A to B. Brenda Vaccaro going over the top, and back around and up and over again, God bless her.
Fifth Don: I am Don Luis Obispo from Bakersfield.
Esteban: Walk like a sissy boy!
Esteban: Is it red like an apple or red like a radish?
Zorro: The sheeps! In the field!
My Blue Heaven
Reasons I love it: Steve Martin plays a mobster and chews up a Jersey accent. Rick Moranis is an unlikely Fed. Rick Moranis kicks a guy’s ass and throws him out the house. Joan Cusack is in it. Joan Cusack is the love interest. Demonstrates the value of knowing how to merengue. Scene title slides like “As I am not trained for anything else, I re-embark on former career.” This movie forever changed my tipping philosophy.
Steve Martin’s cousin: “I thought Wankel invented the rotary engine?”
Steve Martin: “It’s not tipping I believe in. It’s overtipping.”
Down With Love
This one’s really bad. Just watch the clothes. Appreciate that the filmmakers bravely swung and missed. Think of Ewan McGregor jetting around Hollywood in the vintage Porsche roadster he bought to get in the mood of the period. Wonder if you’d look good in a hat.
Sssh. Don’t listen. Watch the clothes.